An update… laughing at myself

4 11 2012

A few months ago I wrote this post.

Since it is November, I’m pretty sure I expected to be at “that place” by now. I mean, my baby is 8 months old. He started sleeping through the night at 2 1/2 months. And just as I felt like I was getting a handle on things/adjusting my husband takes a job in a different state. Now I must pack, prep our house for sale, and move… then unpack and adjust to a new city. Two weeks after moving, and a flea infestation (thanks previous tenant :/) my baby starts waking up at night. 1-4 times. A NIGHT. For the last 8 weeks. I’m still a mess. Add in homeschooling. I think my life may always be full… I don’t know, maybe in 5- 10 years I will consistently exercise, shower, do the dishes, read?


We’re moving!

5 08 2012

For the 9th time in our marriage (of 7 years) we’re moving! Yes, I dread when asked my last five addresses. Thank God for, which stores them for me! Maybe 9 times (with a 10th coming soon as our upcoming “place” is temporary) in 7 years isn’t a lot but from age 2 to 18 I didn’t move at all, not even bedrooms 🙂 I have learned a few lessons during these times of moving all of our earthly possessions.

1. The most important “things” are my family- as long as we’re together we’ll be okay.

2. It’s a reminder of the eternal… hold loosely the possessions. But we can have an emotional tie to our stuff. Our stuff is familiar, tied to memories or people, and feels like a safety net.

3. But getting rid of stuff is so freeing! I oscillate from keep to throw everything away! consolidate! purge! organize! use it or lose it! there are things that sat in the basement for the last year and a half, unused. It’s gone! I’ve moved certain things across the country that I don’t use or even like!

4. You can never really have a smooth move. You would think I’d be an expert now as we’ve always done all of our moving ourselves, but I’m not. I may even be more unorganized… but I blame that on having 3 children. I may have packing under control now but I have no place to move it to. Kind of important and I hope that changes in the next week.

5. Moving tests your faith like non-other. Every step along the way is one that requires faith, shows my unbelief in the form of anxiety and proves the Lord’s faithfulness over and over.


Self-fulfilling prophecy?

21 05 2012

I wonder how many problems with our childrearing (and other issues) we essentially cause… This may not make sense because I am just working out my thoughts on it. Maybe another way of putting it is training our children for something that is common in our children’s peer groups but not necessary- or even right. A few examples:

A few weeks ago we went to story time (and this happens with a LOT of kid’s books!) and a story was read about a little boy being scared of monsters at night. Luckily this story didn’t really interest my children but one mentioned it that night. Not once before hand did they ever mention either being afraid of the dark or the possibility of a monster in their room. I try to not lead my children into situations like that. Monsters don’t exist so why would I encourage my children to be afraid of them? Okay that was a silly example which was only used to lead into why my thoughts turned to this topic. Someone said, to my oldest, well you won’t want to come visit me when you are a teenager. Um… doesn’t sound like that is fostering family relationships over friends/teen “stuff.” I LOVED visiting my grandparents growing up. I still love when they come to visit! I think hanging out with friends is fine and I did that to some extent (I am/was definitely more on the homebody side though!) but most often teenagers and their families take this too far.

I don’t want my children to ever ask me to drop them off down the street, or spend more time at friend’s houses than ours, or exist on junk food/mountain dew/video games. Granted, my oldest child isn’t even 5 yet so maybe I am naive. But I don’t dismiss fits in my 2 year old because “it’s just a stage” or “he is two.” If I did, it would only encourage the problem. Why would I glorify or encourage behavior that isn’t bibical even if it is socially acceptible?

The weight of motherhood

20 05 2012

I had one of those moments this past week. My children were sitting at their little table having a snack while I was sitting on the couch, the baby in my lap. At the table were two little boys. Two little brown haired heads. Eating, talking, being silly… getting along. Rare. But in that moment, I was thinking two things. One being the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I (along with my husband, yes) are responsible for raising, teaching, nurturing, and disciplining these little boys. They rely on me for almost everything. This will not always be the case, but for now, I have so much influence and power.

I was also thinking about how I want the world for them. More than the world really. I want their entire life to be on the path of righteousness. Even the thought of them living/behaving foolishly breaks my heart. I want them to grow up and be Godly men who influence countless number of people- through friends, school, job, church, and family. I want their happiness. I want their health.

Sometimes giving them these things do not feel joyful- to me or them. Feeding them eggs instead of sugary cereal for breakfast does not make a happy camper. I must deal with their foolish reaction and their short-sightedness. Someday they’ll rise up and call me blessed. Someday they’ll thank me. And someday they’ll feel the same heaviness of responsibility, the fullness of the joy in their children, and the same heart wrenching love.

The difference a few hours can make

23 04 2012

I woke up this morning slightly refreshed… had my (several) cup(s) of coffee 🙂 and did some reading. I was flipping through an infant sleep book trying to get my ducks in a row for the next several weeks/months before/during sleep training and had the bright idea to write down a schedule. Not for exactly right now mind you… but for this fall. Well, the thought of the baby sleeping! and napping! longer must have put me into an alternate reality. I was fantasizing about exercising, showering and doing my hair EVERYDAY, making freezer meals, going for walks, sitting outside, enjoying the calmness, doing something and finishing it!

By this afternoon, when I left to get my parents from the airport, I had only changed out of the bottom half of my pajamas. My hair looks like I’ve never owned a brush. Shower definitely didn’t happen. Exercise most definitely didn’t happen. I only ate breakfast because I realized I was shaky and light headed. I didn’t bring up the laundry from the basement even though I thought about doing it 200 times. Every time I went to the bathroom I remembered that it needs to be cleaned. I decided to put off the big boy’s bath until tomorrow. I rinsed off some lettuce for lunch but didn’t get around to eating it until dinner… and it’s still on the counter. My shoulder smells like spit up. There are a ton of dirty towels/spit up rags on our dining room table… but the baby got a bath! And only because he spit up in his bassinet and his hair was coated with spit up and it smelled. 🙂

I know it will come someday… and I KNOW that I’ll look back and think of all of the wonderful memories!

Don’t ever grow up

20 04 2012

“And don’t lose the way that you dance around   /   In your PJs getting ready for school   /   Oh, darling, don’t you ever grow up, don’t you ever grow up   /   Just stay this little”

This is from a taylor swift song. We lose so much as we grow: joy and laughter among them. Me especially. I was never a super happy go lucky person- maybe when I was really little. I am by nature pretty serious, pessimistic, and unimaginative. But listening to this song makes me think of the little things my children do that I love about them- that makes me smile- the things I want to remember. Like the funny combinations of clothing. How my 2 year old runs. The ideas my 4 year old comes up with. The adorable chunky face of my 7 week old. These moments pass by so quickly I don’t want to miss them.

I noticed I have permanent frown/scowl like lines on my brow (in my defense, I think it also comes from thinking hard, which I have to do about everything now, even the little things). I am also tired and a bit overwhelmed right now but I don’t want my kids remembering me like this. I do need to loosen up. Make a mess WITH them. Make cute little treats I found on pinterest. Spray them with water in the backyard. Make childhood memorable for them. I’m going to add this to my goal list so I can do 1 thing daily with them that is fun or something they want to do.

I know I’ve said this before…

20 04 2012

I’ve written a couple of times on preferences in friendships etc. but I wanted to write again on it. Why? Because it’s an issue that keeps coming up and it’s very frustrating. After I had my last baby a friend came to visit in the hospital. When it came up in conversation that I was induced, her face and demeanor changed. The same thing happened when I told her I had the epidural (this was my first epidural). Why? I just don’t understand why!

If you choose natural birth, by all means go ahead and do it. Good for you, but there is no trophy (believe me, I know as I’ve had a natural birth). I choose to be induced in my 39th week and I choose to have an epidural. At first I wasn’t sure about the epidural. I had never heard a personal positive story- only a negative one. But I had a new friend in my life that decided to get one with her third and it was a very positive experience. I was still undecided when I got to the hospital.

After the cervical ripener put me into full blown labor (shocking considering pitocin with the 2nd baby didn’t even do that!) at 8 pm I knew I wanted the epidural. Not only was I tired but I was extremely fearful for the birth for reasons that I cannot explain. That and having a natural birth is very taxing on my husband and he had been at work all day (he works an active job out in the elements)- he only had a few hours of restless, interrupted sleep through that night while I labored on my own and then got a narcotic.

When my doctor came by in the morning, after my epidural, I was already dilated to an 8! I was very excited because with my previous 2 I had never gotten past a 4cm without them breaking my water (that itself is not comfortable and then labor does get harder). It went very quickly from there and soon I was pushing. The baby ended up getting stuck and in hindsight I was extra glad for the epidural because that would have hurt! Plus, me freaking out in pain wouldn’t have helped the calmness of the situation.

Looking back, at all my births, I can see the Lord there guiding me. He kept us safe and healthy. He gave encouragment when encouragement was needed. I am happy with that and I’m not letting anyone take that from me.